unmovable

imagine that after 23 hours at the hospital you come back home still pregnant. the reality is ten times worse. hopefully i can go into labor on my own in the next few days. i really hate my cervix right now.

my battered post IV swollen arm. more painfull than the contractions, actually.

freedumb

as i was driving to work today, i was listening to the diane rehm show on npr. her guest was elizabeth gilbert, author of 'eat, pray, love', and they were discussing independence and divorce.

why is it when most modern women think of independence, their next thought is divorce? do most women really feel held back by their husbands/families? can they really not see their own individuality within a partnership?

i ask to merely understand. i'm incredibly blessed to be married to a man that has always supported my interests and loves the person i am. since we've been married, i've grown more as a person than i ever did when i was single. his encouragement inspires me to accept each situation as another chance to learn something. unfortunately, this isn't always the case in all marriages. sadly, there are some circumstances that call for divorce and the breaking of a family.

however, as far as the shallow discussion on the diane rehm show this morning, i've never thought of marriage as 'an end to my individuality' or having a family as a 'hindrance to my creativity' or any sort of crap or excuses women can think of these days. honestly! this 'me' generation we live in has people blind to the fact that a search for independence outside of marriage often includes hurting people close to us and an unhealthy amount self-centered thoughts. men are often the center of mid-life crisis jokes, but i'm starting believe that it's indeed a problem for both sexes. how wonderful that our society allows the separation for such people without judgement, (even though it's literally a breaking of a lifelong legally recognized contract between two people, but whatever.) personally that doesn't sound like freedom to me, it just sounds selfish.

craigslist ad to cockroach...

you: asleep in my medicine cabinet.

me: tired and preparing for bed.

you: surprised and annoyed, escaped behind the sink.

me: surprised and annoyed (& totally grossed out!) called for reinforcements from the den.

you: probably forgot all about our encounter.

me: wants revenge.

you: will think you totally made bank with a sweet smelling "roach-haus"

me: is going after your family next.

foggy day optimism!

it's my birthday today, i am twenty-five. it's a little strange to think of myself at twenty-five, especially since i still look about seventeen. i get carded a lot, not that i buy loads of alcohol or anything. it's more like the people at the grocery store watch me and wonder how i'm getting home. sometimes they'll offer to buy me candy bars. they probably figure my mom's going to come pick me up and change before we go to my soccer game. not really, that was a bunch of made-up stuff, but being 5'2'' tall doesn't help. (i've had a lot of coffee this morning by the way)

i bought a tea-latte at starbucks as a birthday present to myself. it's called London Fog and it's wicked good. sort of an earl grey/lavender brew. i suggest getting it without the vanilla syrup, unless you like your tea very sweet. i substitute it with a little honey. :)

on a more somber note, today is also the anniversary of roe v. wade. today people in our nation are celebrating the right to kill their unborn children. (i'm going to stand up on my little soap-box for a second...) when my mother was pregnant with me, she had many complications during her pregnancy. long story short, her doctors suggested she have an abortion because it was too risky to her health. thankfully she, laughed in their faces, chose to continue the pregnancy and gave birth to a healthy chubby jenny. if my mother had been anyone else, i might not have been able to celebrate my twenty-fifth birthday today. so yeah, abortion is a personal issue for me. after three miscarriages i truly see children as a blessing. as a person unable to experience such a blessing, i just cannot understand why someone would willingly terminate a pregnancy.

i don't usually dip into the political world, forgive me if my words were unorganized. i'd love to talk more though, say over some London Fog maybe? ;)

2009.

as i tried to remind myself (over and over again) to write "09" on today's date, i wondered, as many people do, what the year 2009 might bring. will we be able to pay our new fat morgage payments?!? will there be another unbearable indian summer? will i have any new additions to the family, be it either human or animal? i also thought about how 2009 meant that it's been seven years since i graduated high school, four years since i first met michael and especially how it's been (nearly) 25 years since i was a chubby, wobbly baby.

curious as i am about the future, i just hope that this year turns out safe and healthy for everyone. (sappy and cliche i know, but) happy new year!

bee happy!

summer is my least favorite season, august is my least favorite month, (ESPECIALLY in california) and wasps are the worst of all. wasps and hornets are BY FAR the most annoying thing about summer. everytime i venture outside, i always have to dodge them as they buzz around my head, reminding me how dangerous they are. they chase my dog. they build their nests on my porch. so i kill them AND their spawn with my insect spray. (actually, michael kills them because i'm too afraid and he's the better aim with deadly sprays.)

i like bees, especially bumbling ones. they're hard workers and make me honey. they could care less about us really, unless you mess with their flowers or disturb their hive. then they get mad. that's understandable, they simply have pride of ownership. i can respect that. at least they're not bullies.

speaking of bees, try burt's bees. i used to buy their lotions and chapstick all the time when i lived in oregon. i bought their pomegranate lip balm last week and loved it better than the original. also, yesterday maria bought me their mama bee belly butter and it's great. (thanks again maria!)

burt's are my favorite bees, and they're harmless.

memory.

last night i had a dream that i was able to return to high school and relive my life. i had all the knowledge and memories of my present self and i decided to change the things i wish i had done differently. when i woke this morning to the alarm on my cell phone and pulled my head out of the blankets, i wanted so badly for that dream to be real.

high school for me is both one of the most productive and least productive times of my life. for example, while receiving my education and finishing my classes, i only did what was absolutely necessary to pass. i saw no merit in trying my hardest, especially since i had never thought about college seriously. so i floated all four years. now six years later, i can see the potential and missed opportunities i didn't see before. i wish my 24 year old jennifer self could shove an advanced english textbook in my 14 year old jenny's hand, sit her down in a desk and tell her that believing she can't do something is worse than failing at it.

i also wish i had tried harder in track and cross country. i still wouldn't have been the best runner on the team, but i would have been better.

another thing i regret? my choice of wardrobe. i mean, all that polyester and prints didn't help anybody.

and now to convince you all that i'm in fact in a healthy emotional state and to end on a more positive note, there are things i'm also very happy to have done. i don't regret skipping journalism class with my friends to drive to the jetty, or walking every inch of the sand and see who could find the longest branch of seaweed. i don't regret spending hours filming movies filled with inside jokes that no one would understand except us. i don't regret moving into my first apartment either, even though i only spent four months there (and lost my deposit) it was my first time on my own, me vs. the world, and the lesson from that was priceless.

and i don't regret buying those adorable sage green peep-toe wedges i saw at nordstrom rack last saturday for $11.00. ;)

unwrapping the person beneath.

this week i got a big mental slap in the face from myself. i'm not living the way i feel i should and i'm getting pretty tired of it. my biggest problem? food. i love food, but it's not always good (for me) food. candy, burritos, chips, chinese food. my aim is more organic foods, more vegtetables and drinking more water. my favorite new foods include: organic tuna sandwiches with low fat crackers! dried mango slices! and organic herb salad with organic red wine and olive oil dressing! soooo good!

oh, and my embarrasing tidbit of the day? at work with my co-workers i was deciding which piece of candy to eat, a lifesaver mint or a fruity candy cane with winnie the pooh wrapper. so i voiced my decision saying... "i'll eat pooh."

nice going jenn. there's another reason to not eat candy.

surprised, by breakfast.

today is the eleventh of january, i have exactly eleven days until my birthday, (i will be twenty-four for those of you keeping count.) i love that my birthday is in january because it's much easier to have a fresh start to the new year when i'm literally getting older, (and may i risk saying "wiser" as well?)

last night michael started classes again to finish his masters degree. he has an online class and on thursdays will have another class until 7pm so it's not a bad schedule at all, but i'm still going to miss him on those thursday nights. :( i'm very spoiled in the fact that i'm so used to having dinner with him every night. at least he's still home in time to watch reruns of 'the office'.

also yesterday, i had a great bike ride with my good friend maria. we went to lunch and rode to this cute little house that i want to rent. it's a 3 bed/2 bath with two beautiful orange trees and a fenced yard for joey. michael and i had found it on one of our bike rides last week. the only problem is that we can't move until our lease is up in May and i'm sure that house will rent out before that. too bad though, it has a cute little area in the front for a flower bed.

oh! the best thing happened today! i was running late for work and didn't have any time for breakfast. when i arrived at work today, there was an enormous pink box of doughnuts in the office. everything looked sooooo good. i limited myself to only one doughnut though. it had lemon filing.

the "klootchy creek giant."

since sunday, there has been a very bad storm hitting the northwest, including my hometown astoria. there is massive flooding statewide which has closed highways and isolated towns. there have also been severe winds which have torn down trees and powerlines and since the telephones are out, so far i have not been able to contact my parents.
so yesterday as i was looking for news on astoria, i came across some sad news that almost made me cry. my favorite tree in the world broke in half. not only is it my favorite tree in the world, but it was also the largest sitka spruce tree in the US. it was 750 years old, 216 feet high and 52 feet wide. i love trees, but i love OLD trees even more. 750 years! that means the tree started as a seedling around 1257.
actually, the same day that i took michael to meet my parents, was the same day that i took him to see my tree. hehe, not that i hold my tree and my parents on the same level, it was just coincidence.

i can't find any pictures online to give it real justice, but i hope you get some idea. it was huge, and mossy, and beautiful. i will miss it. :(

here's a link:
http://www.kgw.com/news-local/stories/kgw_120307_news_sitka_spruce_damaged_storm_icon.650b6cac.html

red skies...

the air quality in southern california for the past week has been worse than usual. it is of course due to the terrible fires going on in our area. the strong winds that fueled the fires have stopped, but with no wind to blow the smoke and ash away, it has settled in the valleys. everything has a fine layer of white ash. the air smells like smoke. during sunset, the sun literally turns red.

could you imagine losing your home in a fire? it's true that homes can be replaced, and that you can always start over again. but how hard would it be to watch your son's bedroom burn down? or the garden where you spent so many hours planting and turning the soil? or all the future plans you had? a few days ago i was watching the news coverage on the san diego fire and there was a newscaster covering the fire in one of the threatened neighborhoods. after a few moments it suddenly occured to me that he was watching his own house burn. he pointed out the diningroom where his family used to sit together, and the bedrooms, and the porch. the whole time he was describing his home, he was being whipped by the wind and his voice was shaking with emotion. what a terrible thing to witness.

it made me look around my apartment and wonder what i would do if i only had five minutes to evauate. there isn't enough time to load all of your dvds or clothes. you can't disconnect your tv or your expensive surround system to take with you. what would i take with me? what makes one thing more important that the other? i pray that i may never have to evacuate, but we never do have any control over things such as this.

fool-proof fool.

my brother is moving down to southern california the first of november, and my sister and mother are driving down to help him. this would be the first time my mom would be coming down to visit since michael and i got married. we saw her and my dad last august when we drove up to oregon for our vacation.

so, i am trying to keep our apartment as clean and cute as possible. why? so that my mom can see the capable and (definitely) grown-up woman i have become. so she can see how well i tackle work and wifehood and responsibility. OF COURSE. how have i thought to achieve this? well, i bought scented candles and watered and rearranged my plants. i bought two pilgrim figurines that look uncannily like my parents. also, my idea is to keep the light really soft and dull so she doesn't see the mysterious stains on the dining room carpet.

i am confident about my plan.

leaves are changing...

i have had this blog for the past few months and, after numerous tries, haven't written any entries (this should tell you something about my personality). i would love to tell you that at the age of 23 i am no longer as timid as i was as a girl; no longer as self-conscious. however, as i get older i have actually become more aware of things to be self-conscious about. i spend so much time trying to perfect this image of myself for others; this organized, elegant, intelligent facade. the problem is, it causes me to distort my real self.

it really is a losing battle. i don't think anyone has thought of me as the complete and well-balanced person i try to make them think i am. ;)