meltdown over

okay so, after a few days my rainy day optimism is finally returning. in a hormonal meltdown to (a very understanding!) michael yesterday, i confessed that i'm really not a patient person. he didn't seem too shocked by the news actually haha! i probably just need to learn at least one more important lesson before audrey gets here.

i'm scheduled for a non-stress test appointment this afternoon to see how little audrey's doing and have my 3-day follow up and possible 2nd induction appointment tomorrow. we're just going to see how it goes this time. expecting life in general to perform in a timely and structured schedule is pretty arrogant really. if anything, at least i got to wear my maternity peacoat one more time for possibly the last rainy day of the year.

i still hate my cervix though ;)

unmovable

imagine that after 23 hours at the hospital you come back home still pregnant. the reality is ten times worse. hopefully i can go into labor on my own in the next few days. i really hate my cervix right now.

my battered post IV swollen arm. more painfull than the contractions, actually.

political optimism!

this morning i woke to a beautiful misty and rainy morning. it left me with a sweet nostalgic feeling (i realized i missed oregon more than i thought) but it also left me feeling happy and optimistic about many different things going on lately. today i voted and november 4th is a nationally optimistic day, so i guess it wasn't coincidence that today was meant to be a good day.

wonderful.

it is 10:55am, the morning fog has not yet burned off and i am looking out my office window at trees and rosebushes...

what a wonderful morning it is. :)

thank you teri,

...for giving away your beautiful center pieces at your reception. the orchid brightens my day and makes me smile every time i walk by.

(sigh)

i'm ready for autumn. now.

ooh, bummer...

sorry for not updating in awhile, i have no good excuse except that i've been continuously tired and feeling out of sorts for the last week. thanks for those of you who have complained, it makes me feel wanted. :) i actually have a few things to write about but am able to only write about one, hopefully you will understand. on saturday there was an accident including me, a bottle of water and our beautifully brand new macbook. thankfully the computer still turns on and we can use it, but only the top half of the screen works. sorry to make this post so short, but if it goes too long i won't be able to see what i'm typing and am terrified of the amount of misspellings and spacing errors that it will include and the judging by all who will read it. (mostly i'm afraid of your judgings.)

so to sum up, do not let me near your dear macbooks....

mmmmmm sodium...

so this evening as i was sitting on the couch with my pillow and my dog, struggling with morning sickness, michael and i were discussing what to eat for dinner. lately i've been craving a lot of fruit, (smoothies usually sound pretty good) and although i was hungry, nothing sounded good tonight. pasta? (ugh.) pizza? (double ugh.) cheeseburgers? (ugh... don't even mention them!) michael jokingly suggested panda express but i instantly agreed! yes! panda express! the thought of panda express suddenly killed the morning sickness and i realized how starved i was. the sudden craving took both michael and i by surprise but the orange chicken, chow mein and beef & broccoi were SOOOOOOOO good! i love panda food.

i can't really complain too much, my morning sickness hasn't been so bad. i usually get nauseous in the afternoons but it doesn't last very long and i haven't thrown up yet. that could always change within a few days though. also, i feel lightheaded when i move too suddenly and i get annoying headaches. i believe it's all worth it though. :)

the best part is how supportive michael has been to me. he brought me flowers this morning "just because" and "he wanted to make me happy." it's hard NOT to be happy when i'm married to such a great guy.

i am an idiot.

i went to target today with a view to find a gift for a friend. not finding anything i liked, i decided to walk over to the garden center to see if there were any nice flowers instead. you know, just to loooook. i ended up leaving with the largest hydrangea bush i could carry and no gift. i am an idiot, it didn't occur to me where i was actually going to put it! (oooh lacey, your "gardener's anonymous" blog had no affect on me...) in my defense, i didn't realize how big the hydrangea was until i set it in the back of my car and by then it was too late to change my mind. :) seriously, i think once i took it out from between it's brethren, it claimed it's new freedom by stretching out it's branches. it looked a lot smaller in the nursery.



surprisingly, it fits outside a lot better than i thought it would. i've already set one of the blooms in a vase for the coffee table and michael said it was smaller than he had pictured it, so i guess that means it gets to stay. i'm still an idiot though.


this picture does not do justice for it's size, i'm pretty sure most of the blooms are as big as my head. notice joey's disapproving look in the background.

it's bangin'!

well, i went ahead and did it, i got bangs! i've felt that i needed a change (or an actual style!) for awhile now, so i figured today was to be the day. besides, summer is always a good time for sassy hairstyles and awkward self portraits!

it seems no matter how tight they wrap those salon ponchos, i always find little chopped up hairs on my neck and clothes each time i get a hair cut...

a cloudy high.

i did NOT want to come to work today. i had decided this last night, today was to be my catch-up day on housework and errands. i was only going to work today if the IT department requested me, and guess what? they did all right. oooooooh! i had plans, dangit! i was going to give joey a tea tree oil bath because he's so itchy from shedding so much. i was going to go out and run in the morning and start my day all energized. i was going to pick up my paycheck and deposit it at the bank. i was going to water and prune my plants and perhaps transplant my unchangeable avocado seeds into pots. i was going to vacuum and sweep the floors, wash the clothes and maybe try to tackle organizing the pantry. i was actually looking forward to all this!

these days i have to try and work as much as i can though because it's the end of the school year. once the schools close for the summer there won't be a lot of work for substitutes and there's such a competition for the jobs left. so grudgingly, i got out of bed and got ready for work. once i kissed michael goodbye and he pedaled out the door, i was determinded to be in a bad mood today. not a mean spirited mood, just a bad one. this didn't last long however because once i walked out to my car with my coffee and noticed how cloudy it was, it started to sprinkle on my head. funny how a cloudy chilly morning would make most people groan, but instead it cheers me up. there's just something about cloudy chilly mornings, they make me wish i had kids that i could walk to school and we could jump in the puddles along the way with our boots. (i daydream a lot) i couldn't help but smile at the misty rain today. so, maybe today will turn out to be an okay day after all. maybe i'll finally get my day off, tomorrow. ;)

reflecting...

last sunday was more difficult than it should have been for such a relaxing day. both michael and i woke up in a great mood and were actually on time for church for once in a great while, something about weekends seems to make us move slower. after church, we drove to his parents house to spend mother's day with them and have lunch. michael bought his mom some cute yellow tulips and we went to a great new seafood restaurant (in the desert no less) and had a great time visiting with them. i called my own mom and wished her a happy mother's day and thought about how happy i was for her and her new job. joey was a little sore from getting his annual shots the day before so he insisted on cuddling with me the entire day. poor little guy, i wasn't complaining though since he smelled so good from his bath that his "grandma" julie gave him. :)

a great day, but in the back of my mind i kept thinking about how this would have been my very first mother's day. when i was pregnant i was so looking forward to mother's day, when people would congratulate michael and i. they would smile, give advice, maybe rub my babybelly and i would smile back because i knew i would be some body's mother very soon. there was nothing like that for me this year and perhaps now i'm recognizing my loss in new ways. i don't know if i'll ever truly be able to be a mom, but at least i know that i was some body's mom, even if it were for a short time.

bragging rights.

i didn't ask my husband to vacuum, he's just that great. isn't he great?

yesterday we got a call from michael's parents that they were stopping by that afternoon so i decided to clean up a bit before they came. as i was cleaning in the bathroom i heard michael bring out the vaccum from the pantry and start it up. so naturally i snapped this picture as proof to the world (and my mom) that i have the greatest husband ever.

when i asked him why he decided to help me clean he said, "it just needed to be done." golly! who knew a man with a vacuum was so sexy?

there's me braggin' rights.

just a little something...

yesterday my sister sent me a link to a photo album on her facebook account, and i found some pictures of my wedding i've never seen before. here's a few that i thought i'd share...


i like this one, it's a good shot of michael's gleaming ring. :)


my handsome dad and i in my grandma's living room before we drove down to the wedding. aren't we adorable?


"all right let's go everyone! if we're late i'm going to cry, seriously!"


eeh, what can i say? long day.

searching for houses is tough.

house update! okay, so you may have heard (or figured it out by now) that the house on miami street didn't work out for us. the bedrooms were tiny, also the floor plan was a little odd. after much heartbreak (all by me of course, the emotional attachments i get are most annoying) we decided to pass on it. heartbreak and hesitancy aside, that wouldn't stop me from sharing another house with you all. :)

i've taken my time looking at houses in the last few weeks and i found a little jem in a gated community off of central avenue. it is close to restaurants and trader joe's, easily accessible to the freeway, (but thank God you can't hear it!) the house is facing the community park and the attached garage is facing the street behind. the best i can describe it is a detached townhouse with a small yard, but with a little added spunk (by me!) it could be quite nice.


most of the houses in the neighborhood look very similar to this one, (uh... cookie cutter?) but it doesn't bother me as much as i thought it would. also, could you imagine this with christmas lights? very cute!


your basic modern living room and fireplace... made better perhaps with bamboo floors?


a lot of storage in the kitchen is nice, plus garage access. i do like the little breakfast bar too.


modest dining area and sliding glass door leading (i'm assuming) to the little side yard.


community park outside the front door. michael is a little concerned it is too close to the house and i have to agree with him, but it would be great for a barbecue with friends.

memory.

last night i had a dream that i was able to return to high school and relive my life. i had all the knowledge and memories of my present self and i decided to change the things i wish i had done differently. when i woke this morning to the alarm on my cell phone and pulled my head out of the blankets, i wanted so badly for that dream to be real.

high school for me is both one of the most productive and least productive times of my life. for example, while receiving my education and finishing my classes, i only did what was absolutely necessary to pass. i saw no merit in trying my hardest, especially since i had never thought about college seriously. so i floated all four years. now six years later, i can see the potential and missed opportunities i didn't see before. i wish my 24 year old jennifer self could shove an advanced english textbook in my 14 year old jenny's hand, sit her down in a desk and tell her that believing she can't do something is worse than failing at it.

i also wish i had tried harder in track and cross country. i still wouldn't have been the best runner on the team, but i would have been better.

another thing i regret? my choice of wardrobe. i mean, all that polyester and prints didn't help anybody.

and now to convince you all that i'm in fact in a healthy emotional state and to end on a more positive note, there are things i'm also very happy to have done. i don't regret skipping journalism class with my friends to drive to the jetty, or walking every inch of the sand and see who could find the longest branch of seaweed. i don't regret spending hours filming movies filled with inside jokes that no one would understand except us. i don't regret moving into my first apartment either, even though i only spent four months there (and lost my deposit) it was my first time on my own, me vs. the world, and the lesson from that was priceless.

and i don't regret buying those adorable sage green peep-toe wedges i saw at nordstrom rack last saturday for $11.00. ;)

unwrapping the person beneath.

this week i got a big mental slap in the face from myself. i'm not living the way i feel i should and i'm getting pretty tired of it. my biggest problem? food. i love food, but it's not always good (for me) food. candy, burritos, chips, chinese food. my aim is more organic foods, more vegtetables and drinking more water. my favorite new foods include: organic tuna sandwiches with low fat crackers! dried mango slices! and organic herb salad with organic red wine and olive oil dressing! soooo good!

oh, and my embarrasing tidbit of the day? at work with my co-workers i was deciding which piece of candy to eat, a lifesaver mint or a fruity candy cane with winnie the pooh wrapper. so i voiced my decision saying... "i'll eat pooh."

nice going jenn. there's another reason to not eat candy.