goodbye waist...

i know, it's not the most original way to announce a pregnancy, but there it is! i'm almost five and a half weeks along now, the pregnancy guides that i read tell me that the baby's heart will start beating this week and that it's between 1.5 - 2.5 millimeters. so basically i have a beating grain of rice in my abdomen, an adorable little beating grain of rice! i was worried the first few days because i wasn't feeling nearly as pregnant as i thought i should, but now my body has more than made up for it. i'm bloated (in the form of a pre-babybump "gas baby") and tired (i stole an extra three minutes of pillowtime this morning, it was blissful) but i'm so happy.

i will admit though that the pain of my last pregnancy still lingers. i have thought about what would happen if this pregnancy would end in a similar way. i'm optimistic, but two failed pregnancies in a row is difficult for anyone to take. how long can one person keep putting up a smiling face? i don't blame God for taking my baby. how could i blame him for something that was never guaranteed to me? i don't believe it was a punishment but i do believe it was a test. i can only hope that i passed the test.

the one thing that i wish? that i didn't have to work. i haven't been able to think one straight thought for a few weeks now and work has only amplified that fault. i can't remember what i had for lunch yesterday let alone remember to turn in my co-workers timecards or get urgent contracts signed. i repeat almost everything i say to poor michael because i can't remember if i already told him or if i dreamed it. the blood is no longer pumping to my brain. it's a good thing for me that people pity pregnant women, otherwise i could lose my job or something. :)