i'm a private person. i guess that's why lately i've only been posting pictures of my garden rather than sharing my feelings and/or fears. it's easier just to write post after post about the same harmless things. with that said, let's dive in shall we?
mother's day is this weekend and lately it's been hard not to think about my future as a mother. is there a future for me? have i really been diagnosed or am i going to get another brutal surprise? i feel so dishonest sometimes when people ask when we plan on getting pregnant again. (plan? i had a plan.) on the outside i shrug it off, pretend that everything is fine and hand out smiles like candy, (but really on the inside i'm a melting puddle of insecurity and doubt.)
i'm hoping this is where the optimism comes in... i know it's around here somewhere. :)
11 comments:
I saw your post here at school and ran to the library so I could comment. I just wanted to tell you that I pray for you every day Jenny, and ask God that he'll heal us both and bring us though healthy pregnancies and births.
Last night we attended Fathers lecture. It was on understanding God's providence and believing that his love governs all things, even that which feels unbearable.
It was so hard to listen to, and I fought tears through the entire thing, mostly because it feels so unbearable now, especially with another mothers day approaching. So, I know a little bit of the emotions that you're feel, not all, but most. May God grant us peace and an understanding of His providence for us...so that we can patiently endure these struggles.
Love you dear!
I feel your pain too Jenny... Believe it or not! I know how these Mothers Days and other reminders for those that have been given infertility as a struggle. But, as Maria said, these are struggles given to you for your growth too! Strength, wisdom and character builds through these things. I pray constantly that Maria and I follow the Lords will and that things work as He plans, not as we plan. Of course that doesn't mean that it makes it hard when it doesn't go the way we plan. =)
May the Lord bless you and Michael in ALL aspects of your life. Through the thick and the thin, the hard and the easy, the struggles and the times of peace.
Thomas
Jenny, At our church on Mothers Day we hand out a small gift to all the women in our congregation, even if they aren't mothers because you don't have to give birth to nurture someone. I know this probably doesn't help but please try and keep your faith. And Jenny you should blog more about your feelings, it's therapeutic. I am 51 years old and have had two strokes in the past 6 months. My 28 year old daughter started my blog up for me so that I might be able to sit and relax and not stress so much.I think it has helped! I will be thinking about you and will add you to my prayers.
tommy and maria, you two make me smile and i'm glad you have each other. thanks guys for your thoughts and prayers. :D i have wanted to write something like this for awhile but stopped myself because i was afraid i'd sound like i was depressed or seeking pity, which is NOT what i wanted. i know that we are called to be patient and i've always thought of hard times as a chance for growth. still, patience is such a struggle for me. :(
it is therapeutic though & i am sorry to hear that diane. i'm glad that blogging has helped you relax. that was sweet of your daughter to start one up for you! :D
I will remember you in my prayers this week, especially before St. John.
The disciples were probably pretty depressed (not to say you are) and very confused when Christ was laid in the tomb. But, look how that worked out in the end. Most of the times we don't understand, but that doesn't mean that God is not working.
May you and Michael, as well as all of us, be able to say: Glory to God in all things.
Christ is risen!
Prayers and love to you.
love you...both of you beautiful couples are constantly in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
I'm thankful for your tender, mother's heart. I trust that it will be a great blessing to many, and, I hope, to children of your womb.
I don't pretend to have any idea what it's like to struggle with infertility, but I do know what it's like to wonder why we're given such a desire when it sometimes seems to end in naught. I mourn my lack of children, too. In a different way, of course.
I love you, and I hope you find peace this weekend.
By the way, I love the home and garden updates. I haven't met many people who cherish hope in the garden and appreciate the beauty of growth the way you do. I think we're kindred spirits that way.
I am going to wish you a Happy Mother's Day anyway, Jenny, because I know you have been a mother several times. Even if it was for only a few weeks.
No children were loved more by anyone than you and Mike for your unseen little ones who were taken from you. We don't understand why that happened but we still remain under the circumstances He ordained for us and remain confident in His love for us.
It's okay to feel insecure about some things because of the experiences you have had ... but be confident in the fact that God can work everything out. This is more than optimism ... this is a Hope based on your experience from living as His Child. That is why you can still have Joy in spite of the circumstances.
Are you using the cream I sent? The Lord gave me that idea, you know. :)
I love you and Mike so much. Have a good day today and don't be afraid.
Love, Momma ><>
The comments others have posted are beautiful and well spoken. I have nothing more that I can add, except to say that you are not in this alone. We are all here to love you and walk this road with you. Expressing your feelings, whatever they are, helps me as I know how to pray for you and Michael.
I love you both very much. And I love being your m.i.l. and mom
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