i've put off writing this post because it's not news that i want to share. i pray this may be the last time i have to tell any of you this. on wednesday michael and i found out we've had another miscarriage. we had known something was wrong a week before when no heartbeat was found in our seven week ultrasound. our doctor has referred us to a genetics counselor to find out why this keeps happening but even with testing and reviewing family histories, it's still a guessing game. even so, it seems with most women it's easily treatable with hormones or blood thinners and often have successful future pregnancies. (i pray this is true in our case.) before we can discuss our options, we need to wait until the miscarriage passes. if it doesn't end naturally by the time of my next appointment, i'll need to have surgery again. i would rather it end on it's own and endure the pain, than have another D&C.
this is our second miscarriage and third failed pregnancy in eight months and maybe because of that, this one was a little easier to handle. my emotional scars are deep but will heal, i can only hope my health will soon bounce back too. this year has taken a toll on me physically and i need to focus myself on getting well again. the Lord has been good to me this far in life, i can only hope to begin to deserve the future blessings he may choose to give or not to give me.
8 comments:
I am blessed by your attitude and Michael's attitude. I am certain, were I in your shoes, I could not approach the pain with your wisdom. I am mourning and hoping with you. Thank you for being so open about your journey. Love you guys.
i hate that this has happened to you guys, again... very brave words in this post, sorrowful, mourning but also hopefulness --holding on to the fact you will be a momma. don't fret, Jesus has it all worked out. :)
love you...
Sniff, sniff. Dear J. I am so sorry to hear, may your sweet baby's Memory be Eternal and may your answers come quickly and may you keep this amazing strength as you cross the bridges ahead of you.
My love and prayers.
praying for you two.
Jenn - I found this poem which I love. It's so beautiful and descriptive of losing a pregnancy. I hope you like it and it helps.
Love, Mom ><>
Martyr for Desire
Michael Berman, MD
You are my quiet darling.
Your eyes, like morning burn
The minutes of futility
To contrite hours, turn
Eastward where begins the dance
Of ocean tides, and slumbers still
The famine of our grief, to hide
So deep within my wounded will.
A promise, poisoned from the start
So brief without reply or song
Did graze your spirit in my field.
"Return to me" I cry, I long.
As chaos prods my anguish, yet
Neglecting fortunes in my soul,
Tinted hues of destiny
Are tender thoughts which sorrow stole
From me when first I heard your voice;
Each murmur on your breath that sang
Like harps converging as a choir,
And chimes afar, with passion, rang.
You are my quiet darling
Within a cold and flameless fire,
And I, a prism in the shadows;
A silent martyr for desire.
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